Dirty Dishes
by timbrene
Summary: Frodo returns home from a walk earlier than expected. Eavesdropping, dish-washing, and conclusion-jumping ensue. T for massive amounts of innuendo. Merry/Pippin slash.


**Author's Note: This is entirely the fault of Ookamiichiix3 on deviantArt. After one of our rants - er, I mean conversations - via email, this just jumped into my head and demanded to be written. The conversation was concerning what one would see if they were to install security cameras in a house being shared by Billy Boyd and Dominic Monaghan, the actors who played Merry and Pippin. We decided we'd see lots of interesting things. Super-interesting indeed. Things that leave them all slippery and sticky and wet. Like doing the dishes ;)**

* * *

><p>"You're not moving your hand fast enough," a low voice panted, muffled by the wood of the closed door. Frodo froze, his hand still half-raised to the doorknob, listening. "You need to- no, like this..."<p>

Several barely audible shifting sounds later, a low sound of approval in Meriadoc's distinctive tones rose above the swish of the water moving. A light giggle in what could only be Pippin's lilting voice followed shortly after. Frodo blanched. No, but they couldn't be... not in his smial, not in broad daylight, surely not even they would have the gall... and yet, the soft laughter and frustrated grunts coming from the other side of the doorway told other tales. With half a mind to barge in then and there and demand of his cousins what in the Shire they thought they were doing in his kitchen, Frodo took another step towards the door. He was stopped short by a sharp, disgruntled cry on Merry's part.

"Are you trying to kill me?" the elder of the two grunted roughly. Frodo heard Pippin squeak, and, against his better judgment, abandoned all hope of entering and instead pressed his ear to the smooth wood of the door. Ah yes, that was much clearer...

"You told me to give it to you," Pippin was protesting, a hint of laughter shining through his defense. "Is it my fault if it hurt?"

Now thoroughly mortified, the hobbit felt his cheeks grow hot with what he convinced himself was embarassment. He could not really be listening to this... It was simply wrong to listen in on his friends, even if they had chosen to have at it in his kitchen. Briefly, the hobbit withdrew his spying ear, steeling himself against the temptation to return to his previous position. It wasn't right. He had gone out for a walk just the hour earlier, they were only doing this because he wasn't yet due home. The fact that he had heard them before entering the room was surely a sign that he wasn't meant to listen. Still, said a petulant thought in the back of his mind, there was something odd about his cousins' words, something he couldn't quite place...

"I told you to hand it to me, not thrust it at me like a weapon!" Merry was explaining indignantly, and it sounded from the snort of laughter on its heels as though Pippin had thoroughly enjoyed that comment.

"I wouldn't have done if you'd just let me handle your end, like I'd wanted to!" the young hobbit explained. Frodo could almost see the playful grin on his face from where he stood. At the thought of what else Pippin probably looked like at the moment, he immediately banished that notion.

"Pip, you know you're no good at my job," Merry replied smugly, and for a moment, there was silence. Frodo listened intently, the entire left side of his face now glued to the cool wood surface, anticipating. At last, Merry grunted shortly, and spoke again.

"See, look here, you're not any good at the job you've been given, either!" he said teasingly, "this bit's still dirty."

Before Frodo had time to wonder at his cousin's wording, Pippin had already chimed in with his response.

"Well, lick it off, then!" he said with a high laugh. "It's not as if you didn't eat it just this morning, anyway."

Frodo nearly choked, as, judging by the strangled sound of protest from the other side, did Merry.

"I'm not going to lick it off!" Merry squawked, and a light thud was heard as Pippin presumably collided with something considerably solid, giggling all the while. "You lick it off, you bloody tease!"

At this point, Frodo finally determined that he had had quite enough of this, and it was high time to rescue his poor kitchen from the two delinquents currently defiling it. With a deep breath, he tore himself away from the door, prepared himself to see the worst, and pushed open the door. Two sets of surprised eyes met his own as Merry and Pippin both turned to face him.

"Oh, hello, Frodo," Pippin said cheerily, waving a damp towel in his general direction.

"We weren't expecting you back this early," Merry added with a nod, returning to rubbing the plate in his hands dry.

Frodo stared at the two of them, not yet fully registering what exactly was going on. There was his kitchen, as clean and as innocent as he had left it, counter and all. And there were his cousins, in a position that was decidedly less compromised than he had braced himself for. He blinked.

_Well, Frodo, you've proven once again what your mind dwells on,_he thought wryly.

The room was quiet for a moment as the two younger hobbits continued with their job, Pippin scrubbing the dishes clean while Merry dried off his finished work. Frodo hardly knew what to do, and wasn't entirely sure there was anything he could say without embarrassing himself. Luckily, Meriadoc broke the silence for him, turning back to face him with a grin.

"Now, normally, we wouldn't be doing this, you see," he said with a slight, almost imperceptible glance at Pippin, "but we felt right guilty for what we did to Sam's poor, precious kitchen while you were out."

Frodo, still too much in shock to register that his friend had pinned ownership of the room on his gardener (accurate as it may have been), nodded dumbly. It made sense that these two would only help out around the house if they had some personal reason to. It was a rare sight to see Peregrin Took so much as in the same room as a bar of soap, let alone using it to clean something other than himself. But wait, he had missed something again. Shaking himself from his stupor, Frodo raised an apprehensive eyebrow.

"And what exactly have you done to my kitchen?" he asked sharply. He jumped at the fit of barely suppressed laughter that this brought on from Pippin.

"Oh, nothing," Merry said with a smirk, unable to meet his elder cousin's gaze. "Nothing we'd want you to overhear, anyway."


End file.
